It's time to officially post rankings of how dumb the people in this franchise really are. The 49ers are now the laughing stock of the entire NFL, thank god we only have 1 more nationally televised game this season because now everybody is having a field-day ripping this team to shreds. We already know who's on top of the list but let's start from the bottom and work our way up because this franchise has a serious epidemic of nitwits.
10. Sarah Cardon-Suite Member Services Representative @ Levi's Stadium: Way to go Sarah! You managed to piss-off a family that has been attending 49er games for 59 seasons with your lack of knowledge and utter incompetence. Only the spine-less survive as a ticket rep for Levi's/49ers, guess you have a long career ahead of you! I bet this chick was sitting Row1 at Taylor Swift's concert, screwing over 49er fans definitely has some perks. |
9. Joe Lagaz- 49ers Manager of Gameday Entertainment: This fuckin guy. Probably that 40 year-old Dad who's obsessed with social media and listens to the "hip" new music on his iPod. This guy wouldn't know game-day entertainment even if it hit him in the face like an errant Colin Kaepernick throw. The fact that you don't have Frisbee Dog shows just how out of touch you are with what 49er fans enjoy. Get away from those trophies, god dammit! They represent greatness, which you are no where near. |
8. Matthew Griener- Head Groundskeeper: Hey Matt! Your turf fuckin sucks and now the whole sports world knows about it. You might want to find yourself a good safe house for the Super Bowl because something could happen as a result of your shoddy workmanship and millions of dollars lost by crazy fans will put a fat target on your back. |
7. Recreational Event Transportation and Release Director- a.k.a. R.E.T.A.R.D.: I don't know what your real name is, R.E.T.A.R.D., but Uncle Todd has exposed you for the dunce you really are. I hope every line you stand in for the rest of your life, (don't care if it's buying food from the grocery store or just standing at the ATM) is exceptionally long and inefficient. Please return to your previous job at the Traffic Cone Manufacturing Plant, you dick. |
6. Ali Towle- VP of Marketing: If you want false sunshine blown up your ass and a complete disregard for how loyal 49er fans should be marketed to, please see Ali Towle. Do us all a favor Ali and stop asking your 14 year-old daughter how the 49ers should be marketed to the fans. Take your fancy MIT and Ivey League marketing degrees, and shove them up Jed's ass. Oh, and the 1950's called, they want their stupid hair-cut back. |
5. Colin Kaepernick- Quarterback: You started off as a great story and have tons of talent but thanks to your image obsession and lack of basic quarterback improvement skills, your now the dumbest player on our roster. I'm done with you, dude. Blaine Gabbert probably is liked more by the offensive line at this point, might as well give him a shot. Anything more I want to say, has already been said by others. Adios. |
4. Jim Tomsula- Head Coach: Aww, Jim is a great guy/coach! He was dealt a bad hand! Bullshit. Here's a defensive line coach who was dumb enough to want a job that was light-years ahead of what he is capable of handling. I'm already fed up with his spineless, broken-record post-game pressers about how it all starts with him. Hey, dumbass, don't snake a job behind the scenes then play on players/fans heart-strings with your repetitive lack of answers for why this team sucks. |
3. Paarag Marathe- President: Jed's right-hand man and numbers-guy. Since his name is a nightmare to say, you don't hear a lot about this guy but don't let that fool you, his hands are all over this franchise. Paraag grew up minutes from Santa Clara so not a real shocker that he was instrumental in the 49ers moving to the silicon valley. If it will make/save Jed money, you can bet your ass that Paraag is the guy who will see to it happening. |
2. Trent Baalke- General Manager: The victorious one from the Harbaugh v Baalke War for Jed's approval. Baalke not only ripped apart a relationship with one of the best football coaches in the nation, he completely sent a shock wave through the NFL that screams "don't work for me". His mediocre or bust draft picks and terrible free agent signings have left this team with gaping holes at multiple positions, including his own coaching staff. Like Paraag, Baalke loves to save Jed money and tension. Even if we are shit for the foreseeable future, Trent and his Marty Funkhauser voice will probably be around for a while. |
1. Jed York- CEO/Majority Owner of the 49ers: When Redskins fans start to take pity on you about how terrible of an owner you have, you know you've hit rock-bottom. An owner that is younger, dumber and more out of touch with a fan base than Dan fucking Snyder, runs the 49ers. He's not going away anytime soon, too. Why would he? The 49ers have made him a billionaire. Who cares about the average fan? Who cares about the season ticket holders when more money is to be made elsewhere. Time to consult Redskins fans, Knicks Fans and A's fans about what it's like to have consistent shitty ownership for decades because it's about time we settle in and get familiar. RIP my father's and grandfather's 49ers organization.
By: El Mijo