So back in the Dublin High School days, I began to participate for the first time in fantasy football. Over the past decade, I've had my ups and downs with varying success but I've always considered myself to be a some-what talented fantasy football manager, one that always sets his line-ups and respects the fantasy process for myself and others participating in my corresponding leagues.
My brother, Brody Richard, whom you have all heard of, has been participating in a league for a similar amount of time known as The Land of the Larks. Aside from who the fuck knows what a Lark is and the Lands they live in, I've always been fascinated by this league and the league's infamous commissioner, the self-described "Guru". The Guru does things very original and special for this league, including a weekly video confessional in which The Guru gets hammered, puts Usher on repeat in the background and summarizes/confesses the weekly results via comedic praises and verbal bashing's. Not to mention a viscous group-text line where anything/everything can happen and also a high buy-in so the reward with winning the championship is rather large and celebrated with year-long off-season bragging rights. Needless to say, my brother has been raving about this league for years and has shown me glimpses of why this league is one of, if not the best, fantasy league to be participating in.
Naturally, I've wanted in for the past 3 or 4 years but in order to participate, I had to prove my worthiness and receive an invite from the Guru himself. Organizing a bachelor party for Brody? Done. Did Ryan Sanchez attend? No. Kick-ass best-man speech at Brody's wedding? Yes, this would put me over the edge. I was ready and proven. Then around 4th of July, I received what I had been seeking..
My brother, Brody Richard, whom you have all heard of, has been participating in a league for a similar amount of time known as The Land of the Larks. Aside from who the fuck knows what a Lark is and the Lands they live in, I've always been fascinated by this league and the league's infamous commissioner, the self-described "Guru". The Guru does things very original and special for this league, including a weekly video confessional in which The Guru gets hammered, puts Usher on repeat in the background and summarizes/confesses the weekly results via comedic praises and verbal bashing's. Not to mention a viscous group-text line where anything/everything can happen and also a high buy-in so the reward with winning the championship is rather large and celebrated with year-long off-season bragging rights. Needless to say, my brother has been raving about this league for years and has shown me glimpses of why this league is one of, if not the best, fantasy league to be participating in.
Naturally, I've wanted in for the past 3 or 4 years but in order to participate, I had to prove my worthiness and receive an invite from the Guru himself. Organizing a bachelor party for Brody? Done. Did Ryan Sanchez attend? No. Kick-ass best-man speech at Brody's wedding? Yes, this would put me over the edge. I was ready and proven. Then around 4th of July, I received what I had been seeking..
So there it was. There was my personal invitation from the Guru himself to join the prestigious Land of the Larks. I should've been pretty excited right? I allowed myself to be happy that I was finally joining a league I've been looking to join for several years but something seemed a little off. In the back of my mind there was doubt, there was caution. Something was..FISHY.
Today, as I write this post, I am NOT in the Land of the Larks fantasy football league. You may be asking yourself, what did I do? Why am I not in the league? To be completely honest with you, I have zero idea. The Guru has retreated into his Palace down in over-rated, Whale's Vagina (San Diego) and I haven't heard any explanation from him as to why I'm all of the sudden not participating. Maybe the Guru was nervous? Probably. As I stated in my acceptance of invitation, when dictatorship is fact, revolution becomes a right. I must've struck fear in him that day because he saw something in me that could lead to an uprising. One that would bring his Palace to the ground and expose him for the fantasy fish that he truly is..
Regardless of who has taken my place in the Land of the Larks or what truly conspired in the Palace of the Guru, it is all irrelevant. I'm now commissioner of my own league by happen stance and will move on to other greener fantasy pastures. However, it must be stated as a fact, that Ryan "The Guru" Sanchez is a complete and utter FANTASY FISH. Sending that fishy, over-confident invite via text to his league, then disappearing and disregarding that invite only a few months later, is a blatant act of fishery. His so called "Guru Palace" is an aquatic tank, filled with squids, tepid liquids and fellow Ichthyologists. A lot of people out there are mistakenly terrified of sharks, I laugh at those who are. At the end of the day, a shark is just a big, dumb fish that will swim away as soon as you get too close like all other fish do. More people are killed by Deer, Cows and Horses every year than pussy sharks. I fear no shark and I fear no Fishy Guru.
Regardless of who has taken my place in the Land of the Larks or what truly conspired in the Palace of the Guru, it is all irrelevant. I'm now commissioner of my own league by happen stance and will move on to other greener fantasy pastures. However, it must be stated as a fact, that Ryan "The Guru" Sanchez is a complete and utter FANTASY FISH. Sending that fishy, over-confident invite via text to his league, then disappearing and disregarding that invite only a few months later, is a blatant act of fishery. His so called "Guru Palace" is an aquatic tank, filled with squids, tepid liquids and fellow Ichthyologists. A lot of people out there are mistakenly terrified of sharks, I laugh at those who are. At the end of the day, a shark is just a big, dumb fish that will swim away as soon as you get too close like all other fish do. More people are killed by Deer, Cows and Horses every year than pussy sharks. I fear no shark and I fear no Fishy Guru.
Good luck to those other participates in the The Land of the Larks, I will NEVER be joining you as long as the Fish you call "The Guru" sits atop his seaweed-throne. I do however hope you all forge the strength to eliminate his power this year and look forward to the day when the throne of the Land of the Larks is restored back to the people. For Fish should never and will never, rule in fantasy football. Worst fishes and kisses to the Fishy Fuckin Guru, short may he reign..
By: Brent McHone