Ya, so I saw the new trailer for Star Wars: Rogue One, and guess what? Not Impressed. My two cousins, Seeen and D's, are both force-lovers and get all excited by Star Wars these days since Disney grabbed the reins and started bringing the stories back. I, however, remain firmly entrenched on the Dark Side, both with being a 49er fan and a Star Wars fan. Let me tell you why I'm not impressed and kind of sick of Star Wars shit right now. Full disclosure too before we get started, I'll most likely give Disney more of my money and see Rogue One, just because it will probably be a decent flick to take the GF too and I have always liked Star Wars, so there you go. Just don't expect me to be dressing up as a storm trooper or trying a force-grip around D's neck while he's halfway across the room. Star Wars is right now a weak-want, not a must-have, need.
Problem One: I'm sick of the Skywalker Family and the Era of the Republic
-How many times do I have to see a Star Wars movie that involves a Skywalker? Also, how many times do I have to see the Death Star being planned, built or destroyed? This is laziness, plain and simple. But El Mijo! The Skywalkers ARE Star Wars and they should always be the focal point of every movie. Plus they still have so much to cover during Vader's time of rule while Luke was growing up. Bullshit. I'm done with this family and I'm done with this era because it's all been done before. I have enjoyed every Star Wars movie I've seen, every one and I will continue to do so. However, I will not sit back and stay quiet when Disney continues to beat the Skywalker/Death Star Dead-Horse. So what do I suggest then? Great question and on to the next point..
-How many times do I have to see a Star Wars movie that involves a Skywalker? Also, how many times do I have to see the Death Star being planned, built or destroyed? This is laziness, plain and simple. But El Mijo! The Skywalkers ARE Star Wars and they should always be the focal point of every movie. Plus they still have so much to cover during Vader's time of rule while Luke was growing up. Bullshit. I'm done with this family and I'm done with this era because it's all been done before. I have enjoyed every Star Wars movie I've seen, every one and I will continue to do so. However, I will not sit back and stay quiet when Disney continues to beat the Skywalker/Death Star Dead-Horse. So what do I suggest then? Great question and on to the next point..
Problem 2: Where's the Expansion? Where's the creativity??
-Look at this map above. This is the colossal galaxy of Star Wars. They said it themselves, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. So you're telling me that there is a HUGE galaxy with what looks like over 100 planets and you still can't come up with a better story or plot than the Skywalkers? The fuck?
How about a story about some of the very first Jedi? Or the story of how the capital city/planet of Coruscant and the Jedi Temple was built? Shit, even Yoda was almost 900 years old when he died, they can't go back 400 years and tell a story about how he saved a planet or something?? Come on! This is ridiculous. I'm just spit-ballin' here and coming up with way better ideas than an entire Disney development team could.
-Look at this map above. This is the colossal galaxy of Star Wars. They said it themselves, a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. So you're telling me that there is a HUGE galaxy with what looks like over 100 planets and you still can't come up with a better story or plot than the Skywalkers? The fuck?
How about a story about some of the very first Jedi? Or the story of how the capital city/planet of Coruscant and the Jedi Temple was built? Shit, even Yoda was almost 900 years old when he died, they can't go back 400 years and tell a story about how he saved a planet or something?? Come on! This is ridiculous. I'm just spit-ballin' here and coming up with way better ideas than an entire Disney development team could.
Problem 3: Disney Writers hate Light-sabers
-Say what you want about Star Wars episodes 1-3 but you cannot knock the showcase they made of the coolest weapon ever imagined. The fight scenes with dueling light-sabers were totally bad-ass and had you on the edge of your seat the entire time. Something about the sound they make when turned out and the illumination of color gets the people going. Ask anybody on the street, they know what a light-saber is and 90% of them think they are cool. So why, please..why are you not having more light-sabers? In the last Star Wars blog I did, I blasted the last film for having weak-ass/minimal light-saber fights/scenes. So how do they respond for the next movie in, Rogue One? Let's have no light-sabers! Only blaster guns and sticks and crossbows that are also guns! Wooooo! Fuck that. Give the people what they want.
-Say what you want about Star Wars episodes 1-3 but you cannot knock the showcase they made of the coolest weapon ever imagined. The fight scenes with dueling light-sabers were totally bad-ass and had you on the edge of your seat the entire time. Something about the sound they make when turned out and the illumination of color gets the people going. Ask anybody on the street, they know what a light-saber is and 90% of them think they are cool. So why, please..why are you not having more light-sabers? In the last Star Wars blog I did, I blasted the last film for having weak-ass/minimal light-saber fights/scenes. So how do they respond for the next movie in, Rogue One? Let's have no light-sabers! Only blaster guns and sticks and crossbows that are also guns! Wooooo! Fuck that. Give the people what they want.
Problem 4: The attempted balancing of Comedy/Action/Grittiness
-Rebellions are no fairy-tale. People die. Just look at this morose bunch of characters above me, shit should be dark and depressing. Only it won't be. This is a Disney movie so there will be some mixed in jokes and moments of light orchestra wind-scores to keep things positive. After all, these movies have to be PG-13 and appeal to children. This is what makes or breaks action/super hero movies these days. I saw Star Trek the other weekend, fantastic, thoroughly enjoyed it. The Star Trek movie killed a lot of people and disaster/peril was around every corner but some moments of lightheartedness were mixed in without being too happy or taking you out of the element of danger. Something tells me that Rogue One will utterly botch this. You have hardened, depressed and bitter characters, yet they will all crack jokes, smile, laugh and give you a sense of happiness when it's not supposed to be a happy story. Doesn't the rebellion fail/get its ass routinely kicked till Luke Skywalker shows up? That's why I think Rogue One will be like the new Jurassic World, people dying left and right but let's take a quick scene to do a stupid joke or try to make you smile with somebody having a crush on somebody. Christ, I hate almost all PG-13 movies these days.
-Rebellions are no fairy-tale. People die. Just look at this morose bunch of characters above me, shit should be dark and depressing. Only it won't be. This is a Disney movie so there will be some mixed in jokes and moments of light orchestra wind-scores to keep things positive. After all, these movies have to be PG-13 and appeal to children. This is what makes or breaks action/super hero movies these days. I saw Star Trek the other weekend, fantastic, thoroughly enjoyed it. The Star Trek movie killed a lot of people and disaster/peril was around every corner but some moments of lightheartedness were mixed in without being too happy or taking you out of the element of danger. Something tells me that Rogue One will utterly botch this. You have hardened, depressed and bitter characters, yet they will all crack jokes, smile, laugh and give you a sense of happiness when it's not supposed to be a happy story. Doesn't the rebellion fail/get its ass routinely kicked till Luke Skywalker shows up? That's why I think Rogue One will be like the new Jurassic World, people dying left and right but let's take a quick scene to do a stupid joke or try to make you smile with somebody having a crush on somebody. Christ, I hate almost all PG-13 movies these days.
In Conclusion: Maybe folks out there who are saying the super hero movies are played out and/or water-down, are absolutely right. With a handful a exceptions, action movies over the past two years have shown me that there is no creativity or originality out there anymore. But fuck me, right? Who am I? Hollywood will continue to make its scratch and I will continue to give it to them. I guess I'm just a 25-year old curmudgeon when it comes to movies these days and will look to criticize however I can. Maybe actions movies just peeked with Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. I'm waiting for that next mind-blowing movie that I have to go see at least twice in theaters. Here's to hoping that Power Rangers, King Kong, Planet of the Apes, Alien: Covenant, coming in 2017, save us from the stereotypical Disney-bullshit.
By: El Mijo
By: El Mijo